I need to hide

If you have no friends and your relatives rarely check in on you then what;s the point of hiding? Well the truth is I just don't want to think about all the crap I need to think about it. Hiding won't help. I don't enjoy getting drunk and I find no peace in pain killers nor do I have any so I take melatonin so I can sleep. I do sleep, I just never get any rest.

My Mom died two years ago and she was 81, even so until she got really bad like the last three months, she was still checking up on us and telling us things we should do. Her last birthday I was planning to go spend the weekend with her and two of my sisters. but she called me the week before a childhood friend had passed away and she just said "Can you come up this weekend? I am depressed." Of course I went and we had a blast, eating, talking and laughing. We slept together in her bed and talked about her youth and all the funny things that happened, about men and flirting, about the grandkids and all the good times we have had together.

I don't have anyone that I can call and say I am depressed. Help me. Have some compassion. I am the one who helps, who listens and makes someone else laugh. Don't get me wrong I enjoy doing that. I want to do that. But I am not super woman. My son is whacked because he can't find what he is looking for and my boyfriend does not get what is going on with me. I can't be honest but that is what he says he wants. Only thing is he just wants it in certain areas.

Wow have you ever felt like no one hears a word you are saying?
They are there, listening to the words you say and some how it's like something happened everything got lost in the translation. The response you get is not even about what you are talking about. They start spewing trash about any and everything else. Or they focus on one word or sentence that taken out of the context is not the point. Or they tell you what they did or said ain't that bad and you are crazy. Then of course you have been beaten into submission. They want resolution, meaning everything is back to normal, you shut up and do as you are told and don't talk about it anymore.

Whew! Blogger u are my friend. Thanks for letting me talk and thanks for listening.

I am sinking into depression and Anxiety

To the point that I can't accomplish anything. Or maybe it's because there are so many things to do and so little help. I have taken on way tooooooooooooooooooooooooo much and I seem to not be able to get out from under. The things I want I neer get, I am not even working towards them. I am just trying to deal with other peoples crap and when I get all that done which is never I will do the things I want to do.

I have absolutely no friends. I think I used to have friends. I have people who think they are my friends. I have a boyfriend who just thinks I am crazy , over reacting and hormonal.

Dear God: I miss my Mom, could u let her send me a little advice? I need some. I know you don't owe me any favors, but I am desperate for some compassion, some understanding or a good kick in the butt, (sorry Mom) but she could do all those things for me een when she wasn't aware of all the circumstances. She had some basic good advice for life and I seem to be having trouble pulling those things out of my memory banks....Let's see, dad said "keep your good name" that's good advice and is very encompassing for the way you live your life. My Mom said "Pay your bills first" then see if you have anything left over for fun. Well that will keep your name good and your credit score. so I guess they were on the same page there.

I gotta say I should take my own advice

If u don't like what going on in your life then u, let me repeat U have to do something to change it!

I really can't recall a time after my childhood years that wasn't stressful.

Of course I have always been optimistic, but I am finding myself losing my enthusiasms for life. No, I am not suicidal. I am tired, tired of the rat race, the treadmill, the vicious cycle of life.

The thing is I keep saying I am going to simplify my life, but I am so tied into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to do that, so it never happens. This is the problem with age difference in relationships.

He is only 7 years younger than me but it puts us at totally different places in our lives. I want to slow down and smell the roses and he is running through the field in jeans with barley a scratch on him.

Not that he is all the ambitious in a can do sort of way but more like an idea man who gets the ball rolling and then throws pieces of the idea out there with a good foundation and see who makes it happen.

The trouble with that is, I am catch all girl. He doesn't pay enough to get a lot of brains and I end up hand holding everyone. Even the ones who are capable do not do what is asked of them cause they have other priorities.

Am I insane? I am suddenly quite sure I am because it is not possible for everyone to be incompetent, incapable of making a decsion I am an anal retentive control freak, I am a martyr.

Or am I?